Sermons

Sun, May 02, 2021

Love without fear

Series:Sermons
Duration:12 mins 50 secs

Love––

what does it really mean?

 

Growing up as a child, my father said that he loved me.

And he said it often.

And yet, at the very same time, he was constantly urging me to try harder.

He was constantly telling me––

or demanding of me— 

that I do better.

And, when I didn’t live up to his expectations––

which seemed to happen a lot––

then he would let me know, in no uncertain terms.

There would be that particular look of disappointment and disapproval that he had mastered…

in combination, initially, with ‘the silent treatment’; later… 

after the apologies and the acts of atonement… 

would come the lectures and the “I told you so’s”.

Growing up as a child, my father was demanding, critical, and judgmental.

Looking back, now, I know that he was right about many things.

I made some of the same mistakes that he did…

and he could see it happening…

and he knew what the consequences would be…

and the pain that would result…

and, in his faulty way, he was only trying to spare me.

And, perhaps, if he had been able to say things in a different way––

in a way that I could have heard them––

then maybe things might have turned out differently.

But the more that he urged me to try harder…

the more that he conveyed his sense of disappointment…

the more that he criticised what I did or didn’t do, or how I did it…

the more that he told me, “I told you so”…

the more that I learned that love is demanding…

critical…

judgmental… 

never satisfied…

and something that I had to earn, and re-earn when I had gone astray.

 

Growing up as a child, my mother said that she loved me.

But, then, one day, she left…

and she said that it was my fault that she had to leave.

She said that she loved me… 

but, after she left, she never again bothered to send a birthday present;

and she aggressively pursued a share of the family assets––

with scant regard for how it would affect my brother and me.

My mother said that she loved me… 

but so many of her actions said otherwise.

And… 

through that dissonance and disparity…

I learned that professions of love can be empty and hollow;

and that some people who claim to love you can’t be trusted.

 

Now, I know some of you will say that that’s not your experience.

But, sadly, for too many of us… 

this thing called ‘love’ is less than it ought to be.

For too many of us… 

what we have experienced as ‘love’ is conditional and dependant.

For too many of us… 

love comes to us couched in criticism…

encrusted with expectations…

and demeaned by demands and disappointment.

For too many of us… 

what we have experienced as ‘love’ does not create a safe space for us––

a space in which we feel fully free to grow…

to make mistakes…

to explore who we are and who we might be…

and how we might reciprocate;

how we might, through that freedom…

create a safe space for others too.

Rather…

for too many of us… 

our experience of love is tied up with fear:

the fear of making a mistake…

the fear of being misunderstood…

the fear of being hurt…

the fear of being judged…

the fear of being unlovable…

the fear of being rejected.

 

And, in that context, the words of the author of First John––

in our reading this morning––

are so powerful:

“In love there is no fear; but perfect love”––

genuine love––

“casts out fear”.

If–– 

in a relationship with another––

we are experiencing fear…

then, the relationship is not, truly, built on love.

If––

in a relationship with another––

we’re afraid to be ourselves…

we’re afraid to make mistakes…

we’re afraid of being hurt…

we’re afraid of being judged or rejected––

then, the relationship is not, truly, built on love.

If––

in a relationship with another––

they do not feel safe to be open and honest…

to make mistakes…

to grow and change…

to be themselves with me––

then, I am not, truly, loving them.

Because “in love there is no fear”. 

 

And yet, more than that…

according to the author of First John…

“We love because God loved us first” 

Not only is he suggesting that we only know what love is…

because we have experienced God’s love first…

but, also…

it’s only because of our experience of God’s love…

that we are able to love…

as God loves.

The more that we are open to God’s love…

the more that we experience it…

the more that we truly know it…

then the more that we will live it ourselves…

so that it becomes our reality, too.

 

Now, that’s all well and good.

But… 

for so many of us…

when we turn to consider God and God’s love for us…

we tend to impose our experiences of love onto God.

In other words, we understand God’s love––

and we experience God’s love–– 

according to how we have experienced human love…

especially from our parents.

And so… 

for many of us…

we also experience God’s love as something that is conditional and dependant;

as something that is constantly in need of being earned.

For so many of us…

our sense of God’s love is tied up with fear:

fear of being judged…

fear of being rejected…

fear of being condemned.

Indeed, so much of our theology is actually predicated on that sense of fear.

The whole understanding of Easter that most of us have inherited––

whereby God is angry at our sin…

and can only forgive us if Jesus dies a gruesome death…

in our place…

paying the penalty that we deserve…

in order for us to be put right with God…

to be forgiven…

and to receive eternal life––

is that whole theology not based on fear?

 

And yet… 

if––

as the author of First John asserts…

over, and over, and over again––

that God is love;

and if, as he asserts here, “in love there is no fear”

then that whole theology shows itself to be a shonky house of cards.

But that way of thinking is so ingrained that it’s hard to shake off.

Even the author of First John seems to slip back there.

But the more that we do––

the more that we think that that is how God responds to us…

that that is how God treats us…

that that is how God “loves” us––

then the more that we continue to replicate that with others.

But God is not like that.

And God’s love is not like that.

And the sooner that we realise that;

the sooner that we discover… 

that–– 

in God’s love––

we have no need to fear…

then the sooner we will start to love others like that, too.

And if we all started loving without fear––

just imagine the possibilities!

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